Tis the season to focus on your goals for 2012. So now that we’re nearly 2 weeks in, I can’t help but wonder how those resolutions are working out for you? Personally, I’ve had a long history of the stereotypical resolution that got away. It usually went something like this: January 1 – I am motivated, excited & enthusiastic. January 15 – I’m busy, distracted and more focused on staying afloat than sailing a ship. Febuary 1 – What resolution? (My clever tactic to avoid feeling bad about not following through…again). And so, committed to putting the kibosh on that buzz kill, I set out to explore what it would really take to keep my resolution enthusiasm high. My resolusiasm, if you will. Here are the 3 most impactful things I’ve discovered to turn resolutions into real life change. Happy 2012!
1) Be Clear, Specific & Realistic
Are you just heading south, or are you arriving in Austin, TX on Thursday? You must be clear and specific about what you want in order to achieve it. Are you declaring a “better relationship”, or do you really want weekly date nights and more adventurous sex? I’m just saying that the clearer you are (with yourself and your partner) the more likely you are to arrive at your intended destination. Also, be sure that you’re goal is realistic. Perhaps weekly date nights and wild sex is too big a stretch if you have newborn triplets. Remember, it always feels better to set achievable goals and build on those, then to consistently miss the mark.
2) Shift Your Focus From Outcomes to Actions
Sometimes we are so fixated on the goal that we forget to focus our attention on the actions. Without action, our goals simply serve as a reminder of what we don’t have. Even worse, we can begin to feel stuck when we are more subconsciously aware of the gap between where we are and where we want to be, than the steps it takes to get there. If your goal is to lose weight, forget the scale. Enroll in a workout class, hire a trainer, find and use healthy recipes. Determine and execute the necessary actions and gauge your success from there!
3) Dare to Suck.
I think the Dalai Lama said it best when he advised us: “Take into account that great love and great achievements involve great risk.” Sure, stepping out of your comfort zone and taking a risk is scary. But if you keep doing what you’re doing, you’ll keep getting what you’re getting. It’s time to play a bigger game, and yes, that does mean the possibility of failure. But here’s the good news. I’ve learned that falling on my face, (preferably figuratively to literally, although I’ve done both), can actually be exhilarating. Once I touch that thing I’ve been so afraid of, (which usually has to do with failing or looking bad), it significantly loses it’s power. I’ve also found that people fall in love with vulnerability. They are drawn to our authenticity and can appreciate, and relate to, our foibles and mishaps.
One thing I know for sure is when I’m consciously creating my life, my relationships and my career, I get results.
So why am I not always doing that, and what am I doing instead? The truth is, I’m probably defaulting to the bad place. As much I want to hide the truth from you…I won’t, because BANT (Bare Ass Naked Truth), while typically uncomfortable, is damn near always full of opportunities for awareness and breakthroughs. And that’s what I signed up for.
Now back to default. We all have it, and for most of us it’s usually not pretty. Typically stewed in self-doubt, our default presents in many forms. For me, it was all about judging and no one was off limits, especially moi. I’ve judged myself for working too much, and then again for taking time off. I judged myself for ending my marriage, as well as for staying in it too long. I judged myself for judging myself. I even caught myself realizing this silly loop, having a good laugh and then jokingly thinking, “Look at you, judging yourself for judging yourself…dumbass.” Damn, I did it again! That’s 3 layers deep. Often cloaked in humor and seemingly harmless self-deprecation, my default was sneakier than I thought.
I decided I was in need of a little tune up. I could see that when I wasn’t intentionally holding the steering wheel (in my life), I had an automatic pull toward self-doubt. It was like my alignment was off and I was inadvertently veering in a direction I didn’t really want to go. For me, a tune up came in the form of hypnosis. It was the perfect way for me to get back on track. Whether we are looking to sharpen our awareness, shift our default or dump a bad habit, it all comes down to CHANGING YOUR MIND, and what better way than from the inside out?
I’m pretty sure I’ll still visit the bad place from time to time. In fact, I caught myself judging this post more than once. Judging was a part of what I did for so long, however, now I can catch it sooner and come back quicker.
I want to hear your story. Leave your comment below or contact me @ elainamcmillan@yahoo.com.
To love with abandon is to give up loving in a smaller safer way, in favor of loving fully. Loving small doesn’t really protect us, it just keeps out relationships limited. To love w/abandon allows you not only to fully love, but to fully BE loved.
Sure, we know to be grateful for our blessings and good fortune, but what about the challenges? How about all the stuff that doesn’t go as planned. Will you practice gratitude for those things, too?
I know I will! I pledge to honor and appreciate all of the life experiences I create, attract and allow. This Thanksgiving, I will be grateful for all of it. For my amazing family & friends AND the difficult people. For my support system AND my critics. For my wins AND my lessons.
How about you? Will you see challenges as an invitation to grow, or a chance to be put out? One thing we will always have is choice. What will you choose?
Intimacy issues? Reignite passion by getting your limerence on. Limerence is that period of the relationship where everything is easy and you can’t stop thinking about each other. Learn how to get back to that level of interest and connection with your significant other TODAY!
WKRP Radio is finally launching my new daily talk show, Naked Talk Radio. Get naked with me every weekday at 11am PT/2pm ET as we strip away the myths and misconceptions about Relationships, Dating & Love. You can call in to the show @ 877.699.4662 or, if your a little shy send an email to elaina@NakedTalkRadio.com and I’ll answer your anonymous questions on air. Don’t miss this edgy and engaging event that is sure will keep you laughing while learning. If you like Dr. Laura, you’re going to hate this show!
Today is election day in the states and it got me thinking…Aren’t relationships an awful lot like holding an elected position? Think about it, we’re kind of “campaigning” when we are dating. We make promises (literal or implied) about how things will be different if they “elect” us. We often share only our best self. We introduce “the voter” to our enthusiastic “supporters” (friends) who confirm why we are the best “candidate” (look, it even has “date” in the word, lol).
And by the way, I’m not suggesting that campaigning is wrong - in either case. It’s a natural way to be chosen. However, I think far too often (also in either case) disappointment and frustration can occur when there is an absence of follow through once elected. If the promises were not honored after the win, then the voter is left feeling bamboozled and manipulated.
So, when campaigning for the office known as Significant Other, be real! Make promises you know you can keep. And if you’re already an elected official, revisit the promises you made during the last campaign and ask yourself if you are fulfilling them so that you may continue to get the vote.
Reignite passion NOW! It’s easy to have more affection in your relationship when your partner is getting what she wants and needs. Watch this video and learn simple ways to heat things up today!
It’s Autumn, my favorite time of year. I just love the smell of pumpkin pie, the array of rich color as the leaves turn, and one more reason to get close and cuddle. I love all of it! How about you? Do you embrace the change, or resist it? Change is inevitable, so why not learn to leverage it?
Use the natural change in season to inspire a change in the level of connection in your relationship. Here’s how: Get creative. Do things together that you’ve never done. I’ll even make this easy for you. Here are a few fall inspired date ideas I recently shared in a short article. Pick one, or better yet try all three.
1. Get Sizzling, Sensuous and Succulent
Celebrate the fall by visiting a local farmer’s market for some seasonal fare and then spend the evening heating up the kitchen while cooking together. Be sure to include romantic spices and flavors such as nutmeg or vanilla. Highly prized by the Chinese as an aphrodisiac, a little nutmeg in a warm pumpkin soup can be a delicious way to help spice up your evening. And the scent of vanilla is believed to increase lust.
Co-creation is a natural and easy way to bond. Selecting and preparing ingredients together, as well as creating a festive fete, allows for a collaboration that builds connection.
2. 1-on-1 Football
What could be more fun and flirty than frolicking in the park on a brisk fall day. I mean seriously, being chased and tackled onto the grass by your significant other…need I say more?
Physical contact automatically facilitates bonding. After all, tackling includes wrapping your arms around your sweetheart, and rolling around together is a pretty sexy way to “score”.
3. Playing (Haunted) House
Fall is the perfect backdrop for a visit to a super spooky haunted house. It may not sound romantic at first, but it’s hotter than you think and here’s why…fear and excitement illicit a similar physical response. Think butterflies in your stomach, intensified breathing and wild body quivers.
Due to the release of endorphins, fright creates an instant bond. That’s why “love” reality shows like, The Bachelor, include thrilling bungee jumping dates. In fact, some studies suggest that being afraid may deliver a shot of epinephrine similar to what you might experience during an orgasm.
Any time we spend together can be great, but keep in mind that predictability can breed complacency. Mixing it up allows you to design your time together on purpose, not by default.