Tis the season to focus on your goals for 2012. So now that we’re nearly 2 weeks in, I can’t help but wonder how those resolutions are working out for you? Personally, I’ve had a long history of the stereotypical resolution that got away. It usually went something like this: January 1 – I am motivated, excited & enthusiastic. January 15 – I’m busy, distracted and more focused on staying afloat than sailing a ship. Febuary 1 – What resolution? (My clever tactic to avoid feeling bad about not following through…again). And so, committed to putting the kibosh on that buzz kill, I set out to explore what it would really take to keep my resolution enthusiasm high. My resolusiasm, if you will. Here are the 3 most impactful things I’ve discovered to turn resolutions into real life change. Happy 2012!
1) Be Clear, Specific & Realistic
Are you just heading south, or are you arriving in Austin, TX on Thursday? You must be clear and specific about what you want in order to achieve it. Are you declaring a “better relationship”, or do you really want weekly date nights and more adventurous sex? I’m just saying that the clearer you are (with yourself and your partner) the more likely you are to arrive at your intended destination. Also, be sure that you’re goal is realistic. Perhaps weekly date nights and wild sex is too big a stretch if you have newborn triplets. Remember, it always feels better to set achievable goals and build on those, then to consistently miss the mark.
2) Shift Your Focus From Outcomes to Actions
Sometimes we are so fixated on the goal that we forget to focus our attention on the actions. Without action, our goals simply serve as a reminder of what we don’t have. Even worse, we can begin to feel stuck when we are more subconsciously aware of the gap between where we are and where we want to be, than the steps it takes to get there. If your goal is to lose weight, forget the scale. Enroll in a workout class, hire a trainer, find and use healthy recipes. Determine and execute the necessary actions and gauge your success from there!
3) Dare to Suck.
I think the Dalai Lama said it best when he advised us: “Take into account that great love and great achievements involve great risk.” Sure, stepping out of your comfort zone and taking a risk is scary. But if you keep doing what you’re doing, you’ll keep getting what you’re getting. It’s time to play a bigger game, and yes, that does mean the possibility of failure. But here’s the good news. I’ve learned that falling on my face, (preferably figuratively to literally, although I’ve done both), can actually be exhilarating. Once I touch that thing I’ve been so afraid of, (which usually has to do with failing or looking bad), it significantly loses it’s power. I’ve also found that people fall in love with vulnerability. They are drawn to our authenticity and can appreciate, and relate to, our foibles and mishaps.
Because many of us have a rather strong aversion to failure, we’ve done our best to avoid it. Unfortunately, the most reliable way to side step failure is to play small. We do it in how we present ourselves to the world, in our careers and businesses and in our intimate relationships. But eventually we realize that protecting ourselves from failure only keeps things unfulfilling and predictable.
I did it. And I got very good at being average. I only skied the bunny slopes, took unchallenging classes in school, and dated down. It was a good plan, until it wasn’t anymore. Ultimately there’s no real glory in the wins when you already know you can do it without really trying. It’s like winning a game of chess against your cat.
If you can relate, consider doing it differently. Dare to suck. Become a little more courageous and a bit experimental. By giving yourself permission to fail, you actually give yourself permission to soar. We just don’t know it until we try!
Intimacy issues? Reignite passion by getting your limerence on. Limerence is that period of the relationship where everything is easy and you can’t stop thinking about each other. Learn how to get back to that level of interest and connection with your significant other TODAY!
WKRP Radio is finally launching my new daily talk show, Naked Talk Radio. Get naked with me every weekday at 11am PT/2pm ET as we strip away the myths and misconceptions about Relationships, Dating & Love. You can call in to the show @ 877.699.4662 or, if your a little shy send an email to elaina@NakedTalkRadio.com and I’ll answer your anonymous questions on air. Don’t miss this edgy and engaging event that is sure will keep you laughing while learning. If you like Dr. Laura, you’re going to hate this show!
Today is election day in the states and it got me thinking…Aren’t relationships an awful lot like holding an elected position? Think about it, we’re kind of “campaigning” when we are dating. We make promises (literal or implied) about how things will be different if they “elect” us. We often share only our best self. We introduce “the voter” to our enthusiastic “supporters” (friends) who confirm why we are the best “candidate” (look, it even has “date” in the word, lol).
And by the way, I’m not suggesting that campaigning is wrong - in either case. It’s a natural way to be chosen. However, I think far too often (also in either case) disappointment and frustration can occur when there is an absence of follow through once elected. If the promises were not honored after the win, then the voter is left feeling bamboozled and manipulated.
So, when campaigning for the office known as Significant Other, be real! Make promises you know you can keep. And if you’re already an elected official, revisit the promises you made during the last campaign and ask yourself if you are fulfilling them so that you may continue to get the vote.
Reignite passion NOW! It’s easy to have more affection in your relationship when your partner is getting what she wants and needs. Watch this video and learn simple ways to heat things up today!
It’s Autumn, my favorite time of year. I just love the smell of pumpkin pie, the array of rich color as the leaves turn, and one more reason to get close and cuddle. I love all of it! How about you? Do you embrace the change, or resist it? Change is inevitable, so why not learn to leverage it?
Use the natural change in season to inspire a change in the level of connection in your relationship. Here’s how: Get creative. Do things together that you’ve never done. I’ll even make this easy for you. Here are a few fall inspired date ideas I recently shared in a short article. Pick one, or better yet try all three.
1. Get Sizzling, Sensuous and Succulent
Celebrate the fall by visiting a local farmer’s market for some seasonal fare and then spend the evening heating up the kitchen while cooking together. Be sure to include romantic spices and flavors such as nutmeg or vanilla. Highly prized by the Chinese as an aphrodisiac, a little nutmeg in a warm pumpkin soup can be a delicious way to help spice up your evening. And the scent of vanilla is believed to increase lust.
Co-creation is a natural and easy way to bond. Selecting and preparing ingredients together, as well as creating a festive fete, allows for a collaboration that builds connection.
2. 1-on-1 Football
What could be more fun and flirty than frolicking in the park on a brisk fall day. I mean seriously, being chased and tackled onto the grass by your significant other…need I say more?
Physical contact automatically facilitates bonding. After all, tackling includes wrapping your arms around your sweetheart, and rolling around together is a pretty sexy way to “score”.
3. Playing (Haunted) House
Fall is the perfect backdrop for a visit to a super spooky haunted house. It may not sound romantic at first, but it’s hotter than you think and here’s why…fear and excitement illicit a similar physical response. Think butterflies in your stomach, intensified breathing and wild body quivers.
Due to the release of endorphins, fright creates an instant bond. That’s why “love” reality shows like, The Bachelor, include thrilling bungee jumping dates. In fact, some studies suggest that being afraid may deliver a shot of epinephrine similar to what you might experience during an orgasm.
Any time we spend together can be great, but keep in mind that predictability can breed complacency. Mixing it up allows you to design your time together on purpose, not by default.
It’s interesting isn’t it, how things are always changing, shifting, and growing…and rarely in predictable ways. So, my strategy has always been to see change as A: inevitable (it makes me less likely to resist) and B: an opportunity to powerfully create something even more satisfying and fulfilling (hmmmm, kind of exciting).
So with the changing of the seasons, I invite you to take a look at what changes you’d like to incorporate into your life. And if it’s in the area of relationships, what new, exciting practices do you want to bring to the table? Well, here’s a thought…how about Honesty and Communication. Two examples of things we could almost always improve upon. I’m not suggesting that we don’t have this in our present relationships, it’s just that there are layers and levels of each. It may be time to peel back some layers in order to take it to the next level. And you just may be surprised to find what an aphrodisiac honesty and communication can be.
So like a game, I invite you to let down your guard. Share something truthful and vulnerable about yourself (your thoughts, your feelings, your preferences) with your partner. See how disclosure can make you feel closer.