Tis the season to focus on your goals for 2012. So now that we’re nearly 2 weeks in, I can’t help but wonder how those resolutions are working out for you? Personally, I’ve had a long history of the stereotypical resolution that got away. It usually went something like this: January 1 – I am motivated, excited & enthusiastic. January 15 – I’m busy, distracted and more focused on staying afloat than sailing a ship. Febuary 1 – What resolution? (My clever tactic to avoid feeling bad about not following through…again). And so, committed to putting the kibosh on that buzz kill, I set out to explore what it would really take to keep my resolution enthusiasm high. My resolusiasm, if you will. Here are the 3 most impactful things I’ve discovered to turn resolutions into real life change. Happy 2012!
1) Be Clear, Specific & Realistic
Are you just heading south, or are you arriving in Austin, TX on Thursday? You must be clear and specific about what you want in order to achieve it. Are you declaring a “better relationship”, or do you really want weekly date nights and more adventurous sex? I’m just saying that the clearer you are (with yourself and your partner) the more likely you are to arrive at your intended destination. Also, be sure that you’re goal is realistic. Perhaps weekly date nights and wild sex is too big a stretch if you have newborn triplets. Remember, it always feels better to set achievable goals and build on those, then to consistently miss the mark.
2) Shift Your Focus From Outcomes to Actions
Sometimes we are so fixated on the goal that we forget to focus our attention on the actions. Without action, our goals simply serve as a reminder of what we don’t have. Even worse, we can begin to feel stuck when we are more subconsciously aware of the gap between where we are and where we want to be, than the steps it takes to get there. If your goal is to lose weight, forget the scale. Enroll in a workout class, hire a trainer, find and use healthy recipes. Determine and execute the necessary actions and gauge your success from there!
3) Dare to Suck.
I think the Dalai Lama said it best when he advised us: “Take into account that great love and great achievements involve great risk.” Sure, stepping out of your comfort zone and taking a risk is scary. But if you keep doing what you’re doing, you’ll keep getting what you’re getting. It’s time to play a bigger game, and yes, that does mean the possibility of failure. But here’s the good news. I’ve learned that falling on my face, (preferably figuratively to literally, although I’ve done both), can actually be exhilarating. Once I touch that thing I’ve been so afraid of, (which usually has to do with failing or looking bad), it significantly loses it’s power. I’ve also found that people fall in love with vulnerability. They are drawn to our authenticity and can appreciate, and relate to, our foibles and mishaps.
Today is election day in the states and it got me thinking…Aren’t relationships an awful lot like holding an elected position? Think about it, we’re kind of “campaigning” when we are dating. We make promises (literal or implied) about how things will be different if they “elect” us. We often share only our best self. We introduce “the voter” to our enthusiastic “supporters” (friends) who confirm why we are the best “candidate” (look, it even has “date” in the word, lol).
And by the way, I’m not suggesting that campaigning is wrong - in either case. It’s a natural way to be chosen. However, I think far too often (also in either case) disappointment and frustration can occur when there is an absence of follow through once elected. If the promises were not honored after the win, then the voter is left feeling bamboozled and manipulated.
So, when campaigning for the office known as Significant Other, be real! Make promises you know you can keep. And if you’re already an elected official, revisit the promises you made during the last campaign and ask yourself if you are fulfilling them so that you may continue to get the vote.
Reignite passion NOW! It’s easy to have more affection in your relationship when your partner is getting what she wants and needs. Watch this video and learn simple ways to heat things up today!
It’s Autumn, my favorite time of year. I just love the smell of pumpkin pie, the array of rich color as the leaves turn, and one more reason to get close and cuddle. I love all of it! How about you? Do you embrace the change, or resist it? Change is inevitable, so why not learn to leverage it?
Use the natural change in season to inspire a change in the level of connection in your relationship. Here’s how: Get creative. Do things together that you’ve never done. I’ll even make this easy for you. Here are a few fall inspired date ideas I recently shared in a short article. Pick one, or better yet try all three.
1. Get Sizzling, Sensuous and Succulent
Celebrate the fall by visiting a local farmer’s market for some seasonal fare and then spend the evening heating up the kitchen while cooking together. Be sure to include romantic spices and flavors such as nutmeg or vanilla. Highly prized by the Chinese as an aphrodisiac, a little nutmeg in a warm pumpkin soup can be a delicious way to help spice up your evening. And the scent of vanilla is believed to increase lust.
Co-creation is a natural and easy way to bond. Selecting and preparing ingredients together, as well as creating a festive fete, allows for a collaboration that builds connection.
2. 1-on-1 Football
What could be more fun and flirty than frolicking in the park on a brisk fall day. I mean seriously, being chased and tackled onto the grass by your significant other…need I say more?
Physical contact automatically facilitates bonding. After all, tackling includes wrapping your arms around your sweetheart, and rolling around together is a pretty sexy way to “score”.
3. Playing (Haunted) House
Fall is the perfect backdrop for a visit to a super spooky haunted house. It may not sound romantic at first, but it’s hotter than you think and here’s why…fear and excitement illicit a similar physical response. Think butterflies in your stomach, intensified breathing and wild body quivers.
Due to the release of endorphins, fright creates an instant bond. That’s why “love” reality shows like, The Bachelor, include thrilling bungee jumping dates. In fact, some studies suggest that being afraid may deliver a shot of epinephrine similar to what you might experience during an orgasm.
Any time we spend together can be great, but keep in mind that predictability can breed complacency. Mixing it up allows you to design your time together on purpose, not by default.
It’s interesting isn’t it, how things are always changing, shifting, and growing…and rarely in predictable ways. So, my strategy has always been to see change as A: inevitable (it makes me less likely to resist) and B: an opportunity to powerfully create something even more satisfying and fulfilling (hmmmm, kind of exciting).
So with the changing of the seasons, I invite you to take a look at what changes you’d like to incorporate into your life. And if it’s in the area of relationships, what new, exciting practices do you want to bring to the table? Well, here’s a thought…how about Honesty and Communication. Two examples of things we could almost always improve upon. I’m not suggesting that we don’t have this in our present relationships, it’s just that there are layers and levels of each. It may be time to peel back some layers in order to take it to the next level. And you just may be surprised to find what an aphrodisiac honesty and communication can be.
So like a game, I invite you to let down your guard. Share something truthful and vulnerable about yourself (your thoughts, your feelings, your preferences) with your partner. See how disclosure can make you feel closer.
If there’s one thing I’ve learned about myself it’s that no matter how “evolved” I become, how “transformed” I believe I am, how “stable” my predominant thoughts are, there is always a train heading to Crazy Town. We will always have the opportunity to listen to the voice that says that we’re not good enough, not worthy, not capable. It can show up in many different ways, as insecurity, as jealousy, as fear. And every time we buy in to some version of this self-doubt, we are jumping on the train and heading for Crazy Town.
The good news is, once we understand that there’s always a train coming, it isn’t quite so personal. Just a fixed schedule. There is tremendous power in recognizing that just because it’s rolling by, doesn’t mean we have to hop on. And so we resist boarding, in favor of staying grounded and plugged in to our greatness. Right on.
However, count on this…there really is always another train coming. And sometimes we won’t resist. We’ll buy the ticket and take the ride. That’s okay, we’ve all done it. But now the goal becomes choosing to stay on the train. Just because you’ve boarded doesn’t mean you have to get off in Crazy Town. You can pass right through and come on home! And sometimes you will. Way to go.
But then there are those times when we do get off. This is when it’s important to declare that you’re just a tourist. Take a look around, buy a postcard and then head back. Don’t shop for real estate, don’t run for office, don’t stay any longer than you need to. Come back to your power and know that you’ll soon have a fresh new chance to not board the next one. Because there’s always a train heading to Crazy Town.
I was recently asked, “Why is it that my Ex, who was never very affectionate or adventurous in bed, has a new openness about sex she never had before?” Good question. While I don’t claim to have all the answers, I do believe I’ve got this one covered. One of the most common pitfalls in a long term relationship is that we can get boxed in to a particular role or sterotype. We sometimes get stuck in the interpretations of others. So much so, that it becomes our truth as well. If our partner sees us as “frigid” or “boring in the bedroom”, it becomes very difficult to change. We live into that perception. In order to change the pattern, we’ll have to change the perception, too. Even if we really want to, it’s hard to make that shift when we have already been summed up and labelled. Without the support of our partner it’s seemingly impossible. If a real change is to occur, it will require some effort from both of you. So back to answering the original question…while there may be many variables to ponder, I believe one consistent factor is that when we are with someone new, we have an opportunity to recreate ourselves and a bigger space to grow into. Certain fish will grow to the size of their tank. We’re not that different. How big is your tank? Or the tank you put your partner in?
As the Relationship Expert going through a divorce, I was about to become my own muse. Or at least my own guinea pig (although muse sounds so much cooler). So with no attachment and nothing to lose, I began my “research”. I decided I would own who I am, and people could take it leave it, but my days of losing myself in an effort to accomodate others were over. This was my chance to take ego out of it. “You’re not a good fit for everyone”, I would remind myself. “You’re not supposed to be. Not everyone likes chocolate. That doesn’t make chocolate bad”. Wait, huh?! Did she say, not everybody likes chocolate?
This was one of the most valuable lessons I had ever learned. And while it all began with dating, it’s applicable in EVERY area of life. No longer willing to pretend to know sports, love to cook, or enjoy working-out, I was ready to authentically represent myself in all my flawed and fabulous glory. This new ability was accessed somewhat by accident at first. I was newly single after 16 years of marriage and just too distracted and busy to learn the game.
Now, that doesn’t mean I didn’t have concerns. Oh, I had concerns. What if I’ve lost my retail value and been downgraded to resell? What if people just aren’t looking for what I’m pitching? What are people looking for anyway? And what am I pitching? The questions swirled in my head like a cyclone. I was a losing confidence altitude faster than I could recover. “Wait! I can do this. I can give up trying to win everyone over in favor of owning who I am and accepting that it’s not going to blow everyone’s hair back”.
So with a minor shift in priority, I was able to present myself to the world as unabashedly real! And it turns out…that’s kinda hot. Or at least refreshing and worse case, it’s living authentically and that’s worth everything! Think it’s worth trying on? I invite you to shed the need to look good in favor of bearing who you really are. I suspect what you’ll find is that people fall in love with your vulnerability. And sometimes, it even gives them permission to be real! Authenticity is contagious…go spread it around some.
Are you that real? Are you, really? If you had asked me a couple years ago, I’d have told you I was honest. That I operated with integrity and spoke the truth. And I did. Well, mostly. I guess sometimes that piece of truth that was really uncomfortable “accidentally” got left out. The short story, if you will. I wasn’t lying, but I wasn’t bare ass naked.
Bare ass naked truth is an advanced place of truth. It’s about owning the what is. The good, the bad and the ugly. And then finding self acceptance in the underbelly of your secret, private ick. Standing, exposed and naked under the florescent lights and unabashedly declaring, “This is me!”. It’s scary! Yes. And it is fabulous, too! When you can create the space for that degree of honesty and love for yourself, you can begin to bring that into your relationship and arrive at a whole new level of connection.
It can very liberating to discover that authenticity and acceptance are available to you. And better yet, at the same time! However, you must know that BANT requires permission and comes with a warning label. “Trying this at home without mutual consent and agreement can lead to injury“. Truth is, not everyone wants, or is capable of such a thing. It is imperative that it be embraced by both parties in order to truly contribute to the relationship.
So, are you ready to take it on? Does it excite you? Scare you? Intrigue you? How bare ass naked are you really willing to be?