January 13, 2012
Tags: challenges, change, elaina mcmillan, fear of failure, gratitude, intimacy issues, love, marriage, new years resolutions, relationship advice, relationship issues, romance, self help, sex, tips
Tis the season to focus on your goals for 2012. So now that we’re nearly 2 weeks in, I can’t help but wonder how those resolutions are working out for you? Personally, I’ve had a long history of the stereotypical resolution that got away. It usually went something like this: January 1 – I am motivated, excited & enthusiastic. January 15 – I’m busy, distracted and more focused on staying afloat than sailing a ship. Febuary 1 – What resolution? (My clever tactic to avoid feeling bad about not following through…again). And so, committed to putting the kibosh on that buzz kill, I set out to explore what it would really take to keep my resolution enthusiasm high. My resolusiasm, if you will. Here are the 3 most impactful things I’ve discovered to turn resolutions into real life change. Happy 2012!
1) Be Clear, Specific & Realistic
Are you just heading south, or are you arriving in Austin, TX on Thursday? You must be clear and specific about what you want in order to achieve it. Are you declaring a “better relationship”, or do you really want weekly date nights and more adventurous sex? I’m just saying that the clearer you are (with yourself and your partner) the more likely you are to arrive at your intended destination. Also, be sure that you’re goal is realistic. Perhaps weekly date nights and wild sex is too big a stretch if you have newborn triplets. Remember, it always feels better to set achievable goals and build on those, then to consistently miss the mark.
2) Shift Your Focus From Outcomes to Actions
Sometimes we are so fixated on the goal that we forget to focus our attention on the actions. Without action, our goals simply serve as a reminder of what we don’t have. Even worse, we can begin to feel stuck when we are more subconsciously aware of the gap between where we are and where we want to be, than the steps it takes to get there. If your goal is to lose weight, forget the scale. Enroll in a workout class, hire a trainer, find and use healthy recipes. Determine and execute the necessary actions and gauge your success from there!
3) Dare to Suck.
I think the Dalai Lama said it best when he advised us: “Take into account that great love and great achievements involve great risk.” Sure, stepping out of your comfort zone and taking a risk is scary. But if you keep doing what you’re doing, you’ll keep getting what you’re getting. It’s time to play a bigger game, and yes, that does mean the possibility of failure. But here’s the good news. I’ve learned that falling on my face, (preferably figuratively to literally, although I’ve done both), can actually be exhilarating. Once I touch that thing I’ve been so afraid of, (which usually has to do with failing or looking bad), it significantly loses it’s power. I’ve also found that people fall in love with vulnerability. They are drawn to our authenticity and can appreciate, and relate to, our foibles and mishaps.
November 21, 2011
Tags: advice, elaina mcmillan, love, relationships, self help, tips
One thing I know for sure is when I’m consciously creating my life, my relationships and my career, I get results.
So why am I not always doing that, and what am I doing instead? The truth is, I’m probably defaulting to the bad place. As much I want to hide the truth from you…I won’t, because BANT (Bare Ass Naked Truth), while typically uncomfortable, is damn near always full of opportunities for awareness and breakthroughs. And that’s what I signed up for.
Now back to default. We all have it, and for most of us it’s usually not pretty. Typically stewed in self-doubt, our default presents in many forms. For me, it was all about judging and no one was off limits, especially moi. I’ve judged myself for working too much, and then again for taking time off. I judged myself for ending my marriage, as well as for staying in it too long. I judged myself for judging myself. I even caught myself realizing this silly loop, having a good laugh and then jokingly thinking, “Look at you, judging yourself for judging yourself…dumbass.” Damn, I did it again! That’s 3 layers deep. Often cloaked in humor and seemingly harmless self-deprecation, my default was sneakier than I thought.
I decided I was in need of a little tune up. I could see that when I wasn’t intentionally holding the steering wheel (in my life), I had an automatic pull toward self-doubt. It was like my alignment was off and I was inadvertently veering in a direction I didn’t really want to go. For me, a tune up came in the form of hypnosis. It was the perfect way for me to get back on track. Whether we are looking to sharpen our awareness, shift our default or dump a bad habit, it all comes down to CHANGING YOUR MIND, and what better way than from the inside out?
I’m pretty sure I’ll still visit the bad place from time to time. In fact, I caught myself judging this post more than once. Judging was a part of what I did for so long, however, now I can catch it sooner and come back quicker.
I want to hear your story. Leave your comment below or contact me @ elainamcmillan@yahoo.com.